Reddit WritingPrompt: [EU] James Bond and Sterling Archer encounter each other on a mission to assassinate the same man. An argument breaks out over who should get the kill.
In disguise as a bartender, Bond’s mission has him on a moving train. In a dining cart bound to France, James Bond mans the bar.
Q(mic): Well, shit.
Bond turns away from the bar.
Bond (whisper): What is it, Q?
Q(mic): I seem to have picked up another radio frequency. Give me a second, I’ll see if I can isolate it.
The sound of typing is heard through the mic.
Q(mic): Oh, I know this radio frequency. This is vexing.
Bond (whisper): How so?
Before Q can answer, a voice pulls Bond’s attention back to the bar.
Man: Help. Scotch. No, make that two. I need two. This is a two scotch day.
Bond turns around and looks over the man. Black hair, blue eyes, black suit, gun under coat. The man reaches up to touch his ear.
Man: No mother, I’m not ordering two shots of scotch, I’m ordering two bottles of scotch cause that seemed responsible. (pause) I need the edge Lana. Remember the last train we were on? What if I run into more Mounties? (pause) What do you mean there aren’t Mounties in France? Canada’s French, Lana!
Bond watches the exchange and casually whispers to not draw attention to himself.
Bond (whisper): Q?
However, the man turns to Bond, covering his interior ear piece with his hand.
Man: Que? No hobos engreish. No, seriously, two bottles of scotch. Chop chop, help.
As the man turns back to his ‘phone’ call, Bond slowly grabs a cup, keeping his eyes on the man.
Q (mic): That’s an ISIS agent, Bond. Sterling Archer. Seems he’s after the same bounty.
Bond (whisper): Bloody hell.
The man ends his own conversation by lowering his hand and turning back to the bar. He grabs the glass that Bond hands him.
Bond: (mildly sarcastic) You do realize that touching your ear doesn’t make you look suspicious at all.
Archer: What? Like you would know anything about being suspi…. Oh. My. God! You’re James Bond!
Bond closes his eyes, trying to keep his composure.
Archer: Wow! Big fan! No seriously. Can I have your autograph?
Bond frowns, but slowly nodded. Archer grabs a napkin and pulls out a pen. With a flourish, Bond signs it and hands the napkin and pen over to Archer.
Archer: Wow! Who knew?! What a coincidence meeting like this. Unless….
As Archer trails off, the back train door opens, and in walks the mark. Bond instantly pulls his gun and takes a shot. However, Archer drives at him, messing up the shot.
Archer: NOOoooo!
The mark’s bodyguards open fire at the two. Both dive behind the bar for cover. Over the sounds of gunfire, the two spies bicker.
Bond: What the bloody hell?!
Archer: Dude, that’s my kill. This my bounty. As the world’s greatest agent, I get first dibs. Dibs!
Bond: Are you sure this isn’t above your grade?
Archer: Don’t get me wrong. You’re Britain’s best. Respect! But, I’m an ‘international’ spy, so I’m the best. I get jurisdiction or whatever it’s called. He’s mine.
Bond: (sigh) If that’s how you want to do this, I get jurisdiction because he’s wanted for crimes against Britain. Rightfully, he’s mine.
Archer: But we aren’t in Britain. We are in Canada!
Bond: France. We are in France.
Archer: Same difference.
The sound of the back door opens again, as more bodyguards rush in. In a huff, Bond looks around for an escape. However, as his eye catches on the pen in Archer’s coat, he grins. He grabs it, gives it two clicks and threw it.
Bond: There, your pen, my aim. We will just split the bounty.
A crackle erupts from both of the spies’s earpieces.
Q(mic): Pen? Bloody hell. I have already told you, no one uses exploding pens anymore.
Archer: Actually, mine d-
An explosion errupted at the back of the cart, tearing it in half. The remaining part of the car started to loose speed. Both spies stood up to watch as the rest of the train took off down the tracks.
Q(mic): (sigh) Your tracker shows that you are losing speed. Did you at least kill him?
Archer: Kill him? We toasted them! Woo whoo!
Q(mic): I’ll send a recovery team, but it’s going to be hours before they get there. And Bond?
Bond: Q?
Q(mic): That is why we don’t do exploding pens anymore.
Bond watched as Archer fist pumped the ‘victory’.
Archer: At least we have the bar!
Archer digs through the broken bottles until he finds an unscathed bottle of Scotch.
Archer: Hey! Aren’t you suppose to say funny, cheesy things now that your mission is complete?How about, “How do we find them? They’ll just follow the tracks?’ HA! Or ‘They went in such a hurry, they only left the tip?!’
Bond sighed as he pulled a shaker from the bar shelf, starting to prep a martini in a cracked glass.
Bond: Well, they say that puns about trains always make for decent one-liners.
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